[Public]

[comedownthisroad]

It doesn't matter how badass I am, how many people I save, how much I know I'm doing the right thing.


Deep down, I still feel like a failure.

Comments

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

Tay,

you're not a failure.

I know that doesn't help with the feelings. I'm just saying. The minute you save someone's life, you succeed.

[comedownthisroad]

Depends on what your definition of success is.

[locked]

[lefthertainted]

Don't I know that feeling.

I think at some point, you just have to force yourself to stop keeping score or you'll go insane.

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

I think the second that you save someone's life, you're kinda on the track to awesomeness.

But I get how that's not always enough.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

It's just.

Saving people is what I do, fine, whatever. I mean, it used to be hunting demons, but... whatever

The thing is that... every time I think about my dad, or Romana, I just... think about how no matter what I do, they will never be proud of me.

You fucking breathe a word of this to anyone and I will kill you, but... I had to say it, and Aaron's not here, and I don't have anyone else. Phoebe's nice and all, but I just met her.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

I guess so.

I've got a lot of issues, if you couldn't tell. Probably makes me perfect for Torchwood, right?

Re: [locked]

[lefthertainted]

I don't actually actively screen for it, but I'm pretty sure by now that having a fucked up past is some kind of hidden prerequisite for joining Torchwood.

I try not to think too hard on what that says about us.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

probably that people who can do the jobs that you do generally don't become who they are without some trauma.

Re: [locked]

[lefthertainted]

Probably not, no. Despite our name, Torchwood's true work lies in the shadows. People with happy pasts generally don't feel comfortable walking the paths we have to walk to accomplish that work.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

pretty much.

lemme know when you need me to do anything. or phoebe.

[locked]

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

It's not whatever, Tay. I don't care what those other people think. Saving people? It's amazing. It's pretty much the best damn thing anyone can do.

I'm proud of you.

I know it doesn't mean a whole lot, but I am.

I think it's more important that you're always proud of yourself. I mean my dad was always going to think I was worthless. Like a lot of other people have thought in different ways even my own friends, and it's

What matters is what you think, what you know.

Hey, we're friends, remember? I care about you. I trust you. It stays between us. You can talk to me whenever and hang out whenever. Seriously.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

it's hard, 'cause i grew up being told that making the family proud was the most important thing.

it... means more than you think, though. to know that.

i just. you know that i'm really bad at emotions and shit. thanks for not getting sick of me.

[locked]

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that would be hard. You just gotta keep reminding yourself of the opposite or remember that your real family won't make such impossible demands. They'd be proud of you doing something very awesome like... saving lives.

That kind of makes you a hero here.


Hey, that's good. Cause it's the truth and it's nice when the truth is actually with the helping for a change.

I know. I'm not the best either. It's why we get along so well. ;) I never could, Tay.

Should I call you Tayter? I nickname people. It's my thing, but your name is hard. I could call you T, but then I'll feel like I'm talking to Mr. T.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

phoebe and mio are great and all, but you're pretty much all the family i've got now. it's kind of cool you think i'm a hero, though.

...that makes me sound like a potato. if it'll keep you from calling me tayter, why don't you try making something from louise instead?

[locked]

[thehighestwing.livejournal.com]

I think you're being way too hard on yourself.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

[ there's a significant break before Tay's response comes ]

Do you know anything about the Barnams?

Re: [locked]

[lefthertainted]

I will. Thank you.

[locked]

[xandtheman3.livejournal.com]

Hey, you'll get to know them better and they'll feel like family to. I do. You are. You save people like that's heroic.

Yeah, then I'd be hungry every time I mentioned your name. I don't think you'd like being called Lou either. I'll think of something. Hit you with it when you least expect.

[locked]

[thehighestwing.livejournal.com]

Can't live here as long as I have without hearing about them. They're kind of legendary.

Someone I know used to be friends with one of them.

I can't imagine coming from that kind of family.

[locked]

[comedownthisroad]

it's pretty fucked up, looking back. but the point is, being a Barnam, you're raised with the expectation that you'll fulfill certain duties and roles. that you'll be loyal to the family. that you'll make the family proud.

it's only been a couple years since i grew up and realized they're fucking nuts. hard to train myself out of the feeling that i should still be making the family proud.

so yeah i'm probably being to hard on myself, but i can't really help it at this point.

[locked]

[thehighestwing.livejournal.com]

i think that's only to be expected. when something is drilled into your head for years it's not like it's going to just go away overnight.

it wasn't fair of them to dump all those expectations on you, though.

and we're all hard on ourselves up to a certain point. i don't know why we sometimes demand more of ourselves than we would others, but that's why we're here to remind each other we've done good, right? and our best.

which is all we can do.